Mass Shooters Offered Registry

Mass Shooters Offered Registry

            Fairfax, VA -- The NRA announced today a registry for mass shooters in order to give each individual a chance for a decent period of public attention before the next one makes a media spectacle of himself. In the wake of the recent mass shootings within three weeks of each other in Aurora CO, Oak Creek WI, and College Station TX, Lawrence Luger, an NRA field representative, explained the rationale for the registry: “We just want to organize the interval between the headline-grabbing actions of a few men who have, please note, obtained their weapons legally.” In addition to managing the traffic, the NRA will provide registrants with membership privileges “including lifetime defense against limp-wristed critics of gun ownership.”    

Mort Caliber, NRA press secretary, said, “We are fed up with left-wing media types whining about ‘the right to not live in a nation plagued by mass shootings where the mentally ill can get military-grade machine guns,’” as Karl Frisch of the Thom Hartmann Program puts it. “As far as we know,” added Caliber, “non-shooters are no less loony than any gun owner.”

Asked about the possibility of restricting the availability of assault weapons like the AK-47, Niccola (“Nick”) Uzi, president of Citizens for the Second [Amendment], replied that gun owners feared any such restriction would set a dangerous precedent. “First,” he said, “they take away your banana clip, then they ban your shoulder-fired grenade launcher, next they come for your heat-seeking missiles. What’s next—your drones?”

When asked if hunters needed such sophisticated weapons in the woods, Uzi replied, “Here in Idaho, we have some mighty big deer.”

Meantime, the registry is off to a blazing start, with names posted from almost every state. “The favorable response to this public service,” said Mort Caliber, “proves that even mayhem and violence can benefit from a bit of organization. Leave it to the NRA!”