The New Devil's Dictionary

Here's a link to new work of mine at Five Willows Literary Review: http://fivewillowspoetry.blogspot.com/2014/08/george-held-definitions.html

Jeremy Lin Comes Out

Jeremy Lin Comes Out

Houston, May 2, 2013. In the wake of Jason Collins’ recent revelation in SI that he’s gay, Jeremy Lin told Houston sports radio KROK that “I’m tired of being in the closet and want the world to know that I am an NBA point guard, a Harvard man, and I’m Taiwanese.”

With these words Lin revealed that he is the first major-sport professional who is Taiwanese. So far, the response from other pro athletes has been positive. Charles Barkley, the former NBA All-Star, said, “I support the brother for his candor. It’s about time we had a new cause to lend our support to.”

Keyshawn Johnson, the NFL star who retired to become a sports commentator, added, “Jason who?”

Boomer Esiason, the NFL quarterback who is a professional Norwegian, chimed in: “Now Taiwanese boys and girls with athletic ambition will have a role model. But how long will it be before the NFL admits Taiwanese into the locker room?”

Lin’s announcement rocked Houston like a Roger Clemens fart, and the Texas sporting intelligentsia bombarded local talk radio with speculations about who might be the next jock to come out of what closet.

Among the nominees were Dallas QB Tony Romo who might reveal that his family name used to be Homo, NY Knicks marksman Carmelo Anthony who might admit he’s a secret member of Opus Dei, and Alabama coach Bear Bryant who might confess that he’s really alive.

Mass Shooters Offered Registry

Mass Shooters Offered Registry

            Fairfax, VA -- The NRA announced today a registry for mass shooters in order to give each individual a chance for a decent period of public attention before the next one makes a media spectacle of himself. In the wake of the recent mass shootings within three weeks of each other in Aurora CO, Oak Creek WI, and College Station TX, Lawrence Luger, an NRA field representative, explained the rationale for the registry: “We just want to organize the interval between the headline-grabbing actions of a few men who have, please note, obtained their weapons legally.” In addition to managing the traffic, the NRA will provide registrants with membership privileges “including lifetime defense against limp-wristed critics of gun ownership.”    

Mort Caliber, NRA press secretary, said, “We are fed up with left-wing media types whining about ‘the right to not live in a nation plagued by mass shootings where the mentally ill can get military-grade machine guns,’” as Karl Frisch of the Thom Hartmann Program puts it. “As far as we know,” added Caliber, “non-shooters are no less loony than any gun owner.”

Asked about the possibility of restricting the availability of assault weapons like the AK-47, Niccola (“Nick”) Uzi, president of Citizens for the Second [Amendment], replied that gun owners feared any such restriction would set a dangerous precedent. “First,” he said, “they take away your banana clip, then they ban your shoulder-fired grenade launcher, next they come for your heat-seeking missiles. What’s next—your drones?”

When asked if hunters needed such sophisticated weapons in the woods, Uzi replied, “Here in Idaho, we have some mighty big deer.”

Meantime, the registry is off to a blazing start, with names posted from almost every state. “The favorable response to this public service,” said Mort Caliber, “proves that even mayhem and violence can benefit from a bit of organization. Leave it to the NRA!”

Women Retaliate against VA Abortion Statute

          Washington, Mar. 3. Women members of the Virginia legislature have introduced a bill that would require men to undergo vasectomies upon reaching puberty. This law would seek to balance the pending legislation that requires women who desire an abortion to first have an intrusive sonogram of their uterus, a procedure that includes the introduction of a sonic wand into the birth canal.

          Maryellen Cox-Chambliss, one of the two female sponsors, says her bill will be more forgiving than the male-sponsored mandatory sonogram law: “After all,” she told the press, “our bill allows men an alternative to the vasectomy, and that is to undergo digital prostate massage as part of a monthly STD exam.”

          Men inside and outside Virginia have complained loudly about the unfairness of the women’s proposal. Guy Claiborne, a twelfth generation Virginian from Lynchburg, said that while the mandatory sonogram law is consonant with the hallowed tradition of introducing various objects into “the female vagina, men require personal control over the sanctity of their bodily orifices.”

          Gov. Bob McDonnell continues to say he is ready to sign a less-intrusive form of the mandatory sonogram bill into law “as soon as the lady folk stand down and give us a break so we can continue to bring progressive change to our great Commonwealth.”

          Ms. Cox-Chambliss accused the governor of grandstanding to secure the vice-presidential nomination at the GOP convention this summer. “It’s well known that most American men want to keep women in their place. But,” she warned, “a Santorum-McDonnell candidacy, with its harsh anti-feminist stance, would push the few thousand women who remain loyal to the Republican Party into the Democratic fold.”

          Sen. Mitch McConnell, a sworn foe of President Obama’s reelection, has urged Gov. McDonnell to back off the sonogram issue and advises advocates of the vasectomy or prostatic massage legislation to exclude white men over 65.